Having written this post and now reading it before hitting send I realize it is a bit of a mixed bag. The content jumps around a bit, but I just was in the mood to write so I sat down and the randomness came out the end of my finger tips. This just happens to be what came to mind folks over a couple cups of coffee this morning. Hopefully something about some part of it makes sense to you and you enjoy reading it.
Natalie Goldberg said There is no excuse. If you want to write, write. This is your life, you are responsible for it. You will not live forever. Don’t wait. Make the time now.
So my intentions for ’14 were set and by golly so far so good! One of the coolest kids I never had the privilege of meeting said “just live life”. Done. Doing that. It is as simple as that.
One thing I knew for sure I wanted for 2014 was a clean slate … a chance to live what I have learned without anything hanging over my head. I had two apologies I wanted to make and I made them before the end of 2013. One was graciously accepted and reciprocated and although this person has made it clear that our mutual forgiveness does not mean we will become part of each others lives again, I do appreciate it. The other apology was thrown in my face by the recipient. Do I feel like I need to be the one to take more steps in an effort to further restore peace and balance? Nope. I live confidently in my awareness that I have done much more good than bad. Now at peace I let go and wander on.
Interestingly, I sold my soul…I mean my Pink tickets because she decided to swing into town on the very night my Creative Writing class was to start. Interesting I deduce because I too am a rockstar and have got my rock moves…but alas the pull to learn more about what I love got the better of me. And the class was great! I have an assignment due next Tuesday…if anyone reading this feels they are capable of editing my assignment before I hand it in…please let me know! Or is that cheating?
We did however make it to the Neil Young concert, who did not swing from the rafters, but did treat us to a two hour long set of one meaningful hit after another. Neil spoke about these songs he was singing now and when he sang them “back in the day” and about the relationships between musicians and their audiences. He said something like … we were all living life together…we were all moved by what was happening…and were just trying to help each other get through some very trying times…and then he launched into “Ohio”. A lump formed very quickly in my throat. Whatever you want to say about Neil … a hero or a hypocrite … he does succeed in bringing awareness to situations and events that one may not otherwise be conscious of. The Athabasca Chipewyan First Nation thanks him, Prime Minister Stephen Harper does not. Best line interjected into a song: “And maybe Stephen Harper will be there by the fire with me…Stephen Harper, Pocahontos and me…”. Classic Neil.
So the sleeping arrangements in our household have been, how do I say, slightly bonkers for about the last 15 years. Care to guess the correlation? Birth of the best boy, belief in the family bed, birth of the girl, further belief in the family bed, being incapable of turning away either child at any point in the middle of the night and finally Aleksei getting sick, during which time Don would not leave his side in the middle of the night, are the reasons for our less than formal sleeping arrangements. Of course everyone has long settled back into their own rooms…except Jerzy. A week ago she woke up and looked at me and said “I think we should all go back to our own rooms now … everything is going to be OK”. And away she went….to sleep in her own bed. And she has done that every night since then. And now she seems so much older. Tough on this ol’ Moms heart.
Today it is quiet around here. Aleksei is down in the bunker studying, Jerzy is somewhere in the house with our nanny Steph and Don is working in the office next to the kitchen. I am writing this post when I should be doing my writing homework. The only thing I can hear is the hum of the fridge. And the only thing I can think about is a family who is saying their final goodbyes to their beloved son Eric who died from Ewing’s Sarcoma mere days ago. My mind wants to just zone out and become blank. I stare out the window. I can not fathom what they must be going through. My heart is with them.
Our Ewing’s Sarcoma community has been hit hard this week. There has been news of relapses delivered one after another. As grateful as I am that Aleksei is thriving the way he is I am equally distressed by the suffering so many of our kids are enduring and the heartache their families are living with. I will remain at their sides providing as much hope, love and encouragement as I can.
I was speaking with a friend the other day about the concept of complaining and as I walked away I thought to myself I don’t remember the last time I heard someone complain. People just don’t seem to complain anymore…at least not the people in my life…OK that’s wrong…the weather…they complain about the weather. And the Jets. I have been to such a dark place that nothing compares to it…nothing is ever bad enough for me to moan about. I have a constant reminder on the ineffectiveness of complaining. When diagnosed with cancer Aleksei instinctively knew that complaining would not get him anywhere. What a valuable lesson I have learned from my boy. I’m not the only one who has learned something from Aleksei’s ability to take a cancer diagnosis, chew it up and spit it back out. When you think about it…what have you really got to complain about? He was 12 years old and knew better.